My Story

I always assumed things would turn out right.
Get married, have babies, live blissfully, raise babies who turn into well adjusted teenagers, who then turn into successful adults. Health. Happiness. High expectations.

I turned 34 this week. And things haven't quite turned out the way I assumed they would.
We lost our home.
Our marriage almost ended.
Friendships have been lost.  
I've been disappointed.  And I've been the source of disappointment for others.
My goals have adjusted. My passions have taken new form. My priorities have shifted.

I wrote the story. I prayed the story. I ask friends to pray the story with me. And when things deviated from my plan I wondered what’s wrong with me? What have I done to ruin things? Or what has someone else done to ruin things for me? This THING, this heartache, betrayal, loss can NOT be a part of my story, right?

Not the one I wrote.

10 years ago today, I said "I do" to the guy who wakes up to my flattened hair and funky breath every morning.  (10 years of waking up to the same funky breath must be love.)

10 years ago, I was in a church office, preparing to walk down the aisle.  Putting on the dress, fixing the hair, making sure everything was just right.  My thoughts were consumed with the flowers, the reception and the honeymoon.

And when the minister instructed us to "pray through the difficult times", I thought, "not us".  Of course, I was prepared for the occasional fight about bills, dirty laundry, and what to watch on TV.  But surely we would breeze through our marriage blissfully ... after all, divorce was "not in our vocabulary".

10 years later.  Disappointment.  Distance.  Chaos.  Job loss.  Home loss.  Marriage counseling.  Pain. 

Not in my plans.  Never in my wildest dreams.

But then we found ... Forgiveness.  Grace.  Affirmation.  In Abundance.  Together.

Here I am.  Here we are.  We made it.  We are stronger because of it.  I love him more than ever. We are rebuilding trust, our savings account, and a new home.

Wouldn't trade my story now, for anything.  Really.  He's a much better writer than I am.  And His dreams for me, as it turns out, are much bigger than anything I can imagine.

Instead of accepting the terms I set out, He gently takes my story in His hands. He leaves some spots blank. He erases some of what I've already written. He rearranges a few items. He fills in some of the gaps and asks me to be content.  He also makes promises. Big promises.

My heart spins and I can’t believe the changes He’s made, the new story that stares me in the face.

The end of my life might look very differently from my plans in the beginning. The friends I have now might not be the ones I know later. Things might get really, really hard.  Again.

But I'm ok now.  And I'll be ok then.  We made it. 

I'm learning to trust Him with the details.  He's already written my story.  It's time for me to live it.

This verse is quickly becoming one of my favorites:  Job 23: He knows where I am and what I've done.  I've followed Him closely, my feet in His footprints, not once swerving from His way.  I've obeyed every word He's spoken.  And not just obeyed, but treasured His advice.  He'll complete in detail what He's already decided about me.