Becoming

What do you love to do? What is your gift to the world?  If finances were unlimited and failure was unlikely, what would be your dream?  My husband asked me these questions recently.

Here I am, 34-years-old, and I still don't know what my dreams are.

Instead of dreaming, I've always tried to be who others wanted or needed me to be. But honestly, I wasn’t very good at it. It never brought fulfillment, to me or their expectation of me.  And in the end it left me burnt out.

One of my favorite passages of scripture is found in Psalm 139.
 "You shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb...Like an open book you, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, the days of my life all prepared all before I'd even lived one day."

I was not designed to be who others expected me to be. I was created to become all that God planned for me to be. But I was lost in the process of my becoming.

For the first time, I realized there was an important reason I was who I was — with my passionate preferences and mixed bag of emotions. 

It's easy to neglect ourselves to meet the needs of everyone around us, and call it self-sacrifice. It sounds godly, but in doing so we risk shutting down a place in our soul where God’s dreams and gifts are waiting to be revealed.

It's a delicate balance, wanting to find purpose and passion .... and waiting for the right opportunity.  Sometimes I hesitate because I am fearful.  Fearful that it's the wrong decision.  Or that a better one awaits.  If I was spiritual I would know, right?  It's this constant tug-of-war in my brain.  Do I jump in faith or wait with wisdom?

I read somewhere that we shouldn't jump unless we know exactly where we want to land.  Risk for risk's sake is never wise.

God has been speaking to me very specifically lately.  His voice is clearer than ever.  (And for this I am so thankful.  I was in a quiet, dark place not too long ago.  Isolation was my identity.)  The Spirit is leading me out of that season and into another.  He is revealing my true identity, in Him.

I'm dreaming again.  This time with my hand woven tightly in His.  

Stay tuned for updates on this new season.  My hope is that this process of pain, isolation, hope,  revelation, focus, commitment, and renewal will give me a heart to walk with others as they take similar journeys.

What about you?  What would you dream if failure was not a possibility?  Vocalizing it is scary.  It's exciting.  It's risky.  You're vulnerable.  It takes courage.  It takes confidence.  I dare you to try.